If I Said 'I Love You' Would It Help?
by Nadja Lee
Summary: Jean betrays Scott with Logan and that leaves Scott with a choice….Shall he forgive…..can he forgive?


If I said "I love you" would it help?                  

By Nadja Lee       03/01/01

English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.

Disclaimer: "X-men" and all the characters here belong to Marvel , 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.

Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without

permission of the author.

Timeline: Set after the movie

Universe: Set in the movie universe. Only the movie NOT the book that goes with it! 

Pairing: Scott/Jean, Logan/Jean, Logan/Rogue

Summary: Jean betrays Scott with Logan and that leaves Scott with a choice….Shall he forgive…..can he forgive?

Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.

Note:  The last few lines in this story, the "poem" in the end, is the lyrics from Disney's Broadway play " Beauty And the Beast". Everything they wrote are theirs and if there is anything in them they didn't write, I wrote it. All that they wrote belong to them. 

Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is nadjalee@usa.net  

Rating: PG-13

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Part 1:

Scott drove towards the mansion late at night. He had been to a conference for mutant rights and had been away for the entire week. He should actually first be home tomorrow but he had drove all night to get home as he wanted to surprise Jean and be with her. 

After he had parked the car he went towards the room he shared with Jean and looked at the clock. It was almost three in the night. He opened the small jewellery box in his hands to reveal a diamond ring in a golden band. He had a very special question to ask Jean so he was sure she'll forgive the

lateness of the hour. With a smile on his lips and a song in his heart he lay his hand on the door handle but froze as he heard noise from inside.

"Oh, yes. Yes! Yes!"

It was Jean's voice, obviously speaking in a state of passion. 

" Jeannie."

It was Logan's voice, following hers. Scott stood as frozen, refusing to believe it. More moans followed from the room and Scott felt like a knife had been thrown into his heart. Something made him carefully open the door; he had to know the truth. A big mirror on the back wall gave him sight of the entire room and the big bed in the middle. 

" Oh, God," he whispered as he softly closed the door again. Jean…and Logan...together….

He walked as in trance through the hallway, away from the room he had shared with Jean for almost three years now. He went to the kitchen but even there he felt like he could hear their screams of passion even though he knew he was imagining things. He ran outside, not caring that he was still in his finest suit from the conference. It had started to rain but Scott didn't feel it. Blindly he ran and ran as if Lady Death was following him and in a way she was for his heart was dying. 

He reached the lake at the edge of Xavier's property and there he fell to his knees, tears running down his cheeks. 

" Why? Why?" he mumbled, pleading the heavens for an answer.

" WHY?" he screamed as loud as he could, his agony going out in that one word. Why? He looked at the box in his hands and he opened it. The moonlight made the ring glitter but Scott didn't see its beauty any longer but only the dream it had represented. A dream that had died tonight. 

" Damn it all," he swore and savagely threw the ring into the lake as tears and the rain washed his face and his body. On his knees by the lakeside, the rain falling like tears from heaven, he wished the water could wash away the pain he felt inside. 

Part 2:   

" Scott. Scott, what are you doing here?" Ororo asked as she gently laid her hand on his shoulder and woke him up.

" Jean???" Scott mumbled sleepily and instinctively reached for her only to have the whole night's events come back to him full force. She was gone. Lost to him forever. 

His red glance settled on Ororo.

" What are you doing in my….." he began but then looked around. He was by the lakeside, still wearing the same clothes as last night. Now, he remembered. He had cried himself to exhaustion last night and he must have fallen asleep.

" Come, my friend. Let's go inside," Ororo held out a hand to help him up and Scott let her. Together they walked towards the mansion. He didn't want to go back. He didn't want to see Jean in Logan's embrace but he had to sooner or later. Feeling like a soldier walking right into a set-up, he entered the mansion with Ororo and went to the kitchen where there was confusion as always. Teachers and students ran around to find a place to sit and the breakfast they wanted. But Scott saw nothing of it. His eyes had found Jean from across the room and he felt like crying or beating someone up. Anything to release this anger and pain in his chest. But as always he did neither. He couldn't see Logan anywhere but if Jean was here, he couldn't be far behind.

Jean noticed him and smiled at him as she walked to him.

" Scott. You're home early," she said with a smile as she gave him a kiss on the lips that he was too shocked to respond to.

" I came home last night," Scott said tonelessly and watched her reaction. She stiffened and her eyes became guarded. 

" Really? I didn't see you," Jean avoided his red glance and turned back to the kitchen table to fill a bowl of cereal.  

" No. I guess you were busy," Scott tried to keep the pain and bitterness from his voice but the shaking of Jean's hand told him he hadn't quite succeeded.

Scott was about to go to her as he saw Logan enter the room. Scott walked stiffly to him as anger boiled up inside him.

" You, outside. Now," was all he managed to hiss as he passed him and he had to draw on all his control to not just open his eyes and blast him away where he stood. Logan gave him an odd look but followed. As soon as they had exited all the kids, and the teachers too, walked to the windows to watch what was to happen in the garden.

" Cyke, what's all this about?" Logan complained as Scott had dragged him outside and still hadn't said a word. Scott stopped so suddenly that Logan almost bumped into him. He turned around and looked at him. 

" How dare you ask that? Do you think me that stupid?" Scott's eyes glowed a dangerous red which meant that he was just barely holding his powers back.

" Look, Cyke, I'm getting tired of this. Just tell me what the fuck is going on?" Logan demanded to know, not backing down.

" Of all the women here, you just had to take the one who was mine, didn't you?" Scott hissed, his eyes glowing and his voice barely concealing a pain and bitterness Logan didn't know Scott was capable of. 

" What the hell…." Logan began but never got to finish as Scott took a swing at him, his fist colliding with Logan's face, sending him to the ground.   

" You know damn well what I'm talking about. You and Jean. Last night," Scott yelled, knowing they were being watched but beyond caring. " We may not be the best of friends but we do work together," Scott shook his head and tried to stop the tears which sprang to his eyes. " Damn it, Logan. I trusted you," the words were pained, whispered.

" I don't go where I'm not invited," Logan growled and got up and popped his claws.

" Stop this at once," Ororo demanded as she landed between them.

" Get out of my way. I don't want to hurt you," Scott warned as she blocked his way to Logan as well as Logan's way to him.

" My friend, this is not the way," Ororo's voice was kind, soft.

" You knew, didn't you? How could you?" Scott yelled accusingly at her. 

He nodded at Logan, fury and murder in his covered eyes as he said; 

" We aren't through yet," and with a last look at Logan, he swiftly turned around on his heels and left. 

" Scott," Ororo called after him but he didn't listen. He needed to get away before he hurt someone to ease the agony he felt within.

Part 3:

Scott sat at the mansion's roof, staring at the star covered sky. He had spent the day in a near by inn, trying to drown his sorrows in alcohol which hadn't done anything but give him one of the worst headaches he had ever had. 

He looked at the stars again. He used to love watching them. Love their sparkle and their infinity. He had once thought they represented hope. Now he wasn't use what he saw anymore.

" Hi sugah," a soft, southern accented voice said from behind him.

" Go away, Rogue," Scott said without turning around. 

" So you can continue to drown yourself in self pity? Ah think not," she seated herself next to him and looked at the stars in the sky.

" Ah once wished Ah could hold a star in ma hands. See it pulsing with light and life. Ah'll hold it carefully in ma hands, trying to not let it get away from me," Rogue began, her voice soft and low. Scott looked at her as she continued to talk, intrigued by the beauty of her words. 

"… But it always did. You can't hold a star. You can't catch it. You can stand in its light for  a short while but sooner or later it'll leave you. It always does," she turned to look at him, tears glimmering on her cheeks. 

"…I…..hurt," Scott uttered softly as tears fell from his eyes.

" Ah know. Ah hurt too," Rogue whispered and Scott looked intensely at her before gently wiping her tears away with his shirtsleeve. 

" You love Logan," Scott said and smiled at her shocked look. " Yes, I know. Even though I wear glasses I'm not blind," the last wasn't spoken as a reproof yet still she blushed. One of the students had said it in class right when Scott had entered and they had all laughed. Now, she regretted that. That and so much more. That she hadn't stood up for him. Logan's distaste in him from when she had absorbed him might have had something to do with it but to be honest she knew that most of it was her own fault. She wanted to fit in, wanted to be like the others and the students which held Scott closer than a teacher who was good but also good at making fun off were few and far in between. At least from the boys. Most of the girls liked him because he always was so kind and

then he didn't look half bad. 

" Ah know," Rogue whispered and gave his hand a gentle squeeze through her glove.

" Does he…." Scott began but stopped as the words got stuck in his throat.

"…love her? Ah don't know. Despite what you might think this isn't some conspiracy. None of us knew about it before today," Rogue's voice told of the truth of her statement as pain lashed her voice again.

" No one?" Scott pressed.

" No one," Rogue clarified. 

" I gotta go. Thanks for the talk," Scott yelled over his shoulder as he ran from the roof to Ororo's study. He had an apology to deliver.

Part 4:

" Scott, I …can we talk?" Jean asked softly as she entered his office the next morning. Scott looked up from his papers and tried to ignore the pain the very sight of her brought to his heart.

" Sit," his voice was toneless as he gestured to a chair. She sat and looked at her hands for a while.

" Scott, I….," she stopped, not knowing what to say.

" I just need to know; why?" Scott leaned over the table, his voice threatening to break down.

" I….I don't know. I wanted nearness. I guess I wanted to see what it would be like…with him," tears were in her eyes now. " I'm so sorry. So very sorry."

" How long has it been going on?" remarkable that one's voice could sound so reasonable when you are dying inside. 

" Only while you were away. I swear," Jean insisted, tears ruining her make-up.

" Why should I believe a word you say?" his voice was filled with bitterness and pain but also a hint of hope. He wanted to believe. He needed to believe again.

" Because I love you. It only happened once, in the week while you were away, and I swear it'll never happen again. Please forgive me," Jean stood up and reached for him but he drew back as if burned.

" And Logan…what of him? Do you love him?"

" I thought I did otherwise I wouldn't have done this but I don't. I love you," she reached for him again and this time Scott walked around the table and took her into his embrace.

" And Logan…how does he feel?" Scott asked into her red hair as she laid her head on his shoulder. How he had missed the feel of her, the smell of her. 

" I thought he loved me but discovered he didn't……I….," she looked down and whispered;

" I….kind…of…told him…"

" What?" Scott wanted to know and took her under the chin, forcing her to meet his red stare.

" …that we had broken up," she admitted and saw the tightening of his jaw. " I'm so sorry. Please forgive me," she pleaded now but didn't care.

" I don't know if I can," Scott whispered and softly kissed her on the top of her head, a single teardrop falling into her red hair before he released her and walked out the door.

Part 5:  

" Scott," Ororo said as she landed next to him by the lakeside. 

" Ororo," he acknowledged but still just sat there, seemly looking at nothing but she knew that a world of pictures had to be playing in his mind.

" You want to talk about it, my friend?" she asked gently as she seated herself next to him. For a while neither said anything then Scott finally spoke,

" She asked me to forgive. I know Xavier wants me to. What am I to do?" He turned pleading covered eyes towards her and she could have sworn that she saw his soul being torn in two by the agony of his heart.

" I can't make that decision for you. I know that Logan asked Rogue the same thing as he realised he loved her and not Jean. As you know….," she gave him a small smile, "she forgave him but then she'll forgive him anything."

" I loved Jean. I still do. But what is love without trust?" he tried to keep the bitterness out of his voice and failed miserablely.

" What is love without forgiveness?" Ororo asked softly.

" You think I should forgive her? Just like that? After all she has done?" Scott asked and stared shocked at her.

" I'll forgive but I'm not you. Besides I feel you have already made up your mind," Ororo's voice was still kind, soft as a summer wind.

" I…guess I have."

" No matter what happens, I'll stand by you," Ororo promised and Scott smiled warmly at her.

" Thanks, my Beautiful Wind Rider. Thanks."

Part 6:  

" Scott," Jean said happily as he entered the kitchen to see her baking brownies, his favourite kind. Jean never baked unless she was distressed. 

" Jean." 

Something in his voice made her stiffen but then she resumed her work.

" I'm almost finished. It's your favourites. Just sit down and…," her voice was getting misty and Scott went to her and took the spoon she had in her hand away from her.

" Jean, we need to talk."

" I….I can't. I need to bake and…..," her voice held tears now and the knowledge of a truth she didn't want to face.

" Forget the cakes," he demanded and drew her into his embrace and she cried by his chest. 

" Why?" she whispered as Scott cried too, mumbling words of comfort and stroking her hair.

" Because I love you... Because I'll always love you," Scott whispered and she lifted her tear filled eyes to look at him.

" Then come back. Come back to me. We'll make it work. I know we can," Jean pleaded.

" I….I can't, Jean. That night a piece of me died. A light, a dream I can never get back. I can't….forget and I won't forgive. I…just can't," his words held a world of pain and tears blinded his vision.

" Don't do this to me," she whispered, a hand stroking his cheek.

" I don't, you did this when you were willing to sacrifice all we had together for one night with Logan," his words didn't hold bitterness, it was just an ascertainment.

" But I love you," Jean cried as Scott bent down and kissed her forehead.

" No, you don't. You probably never have," he wiped her tears away and turned to go, his posture even more in control than ever. He needed that control now if not he were to fall apart.

Part 7: 

Scott sat on the roof, staring at the stars. He wanted to find that dream again he had seen in them. He wanted to find that light. But he saw only darkness. A tear fell from his eye and the moonlight made it glitter like a diamond. He had always had a dream. He had always been the one who never gave up. Now he understood that Jean had been his dream, his light, his star. That night he had found her in another's arms all his dreams had shattered and his light had died out. 

His heart felt like it had shattered into a thousand pieces and he felt a emptiness in his soul like none other he had ever felt. He was alone again. Alone and cold. 

He looked at the stars for guidance and comfort but for the first time in years; they didn't speak to him. Scott looked to the stars again and reached for them. He wanted to walk the great tapestry of glowing stars as he used to. He wanted to take a star in his hand and fell its warmth spread through his entire body. He wanted to see his eyes, his very soul, being reflected back at him in the star's gold white colours. Then he'll let the star go to find its place on the never ending heaven of stars. But he couldn't fly to them today. His spirit wouldn't let him fly free anymore. It was broken and had lost its wings. He feared he would never fell the warmth of the stars again or fly among them as a silver eagle overlooking the pride lands. 

He remembered Rogue's words and now knew what she had meant. For Rogue Logan had been that

star and for him Jean had been that star. The one who shore the brightest yet also the one he was forced to let go. The one he'll never be able to tie down.

The one he couldn't have. 

 What he wouldn't give to undo these last days. To be ignorant of it all. To have just arrived a few hours later. He had never believed that ignorance was bliss but now he wasn't so sure. If it could undo the agony in his soul and heart; it might just be worth it. 

He knew there was a way. He could forgive Jean, he could try and forget it had ever happened. But he couldn't forget. He wanted to but he couldn't. Every time he thought of Jean the image of her in

Logan's arms resurfaced. Had he still been able to find that light within him that had shinned so brightly, forgiveness would have been natural. That same light which Ororo bore as a cloth around her body, that goodness and kindness which was her very soul. Her ideals had been his for so long. Now, he didn't know what to believe. He was lost but more than anything; the…emptiness within scared him. Once, he had had hope. Now it was all gone. 

_Hope___

_Hope of love___

_Hope of happiness___

_Hope of my dream___

_One day will come true___

__

_But that was not to be___

__

_Hopeless ___

_As my dreams dies___

_As the time fly___

_Love a lost illusion___

__

_I see___

_But deep within___

_Is utter blindness___

_As my heart dies___

__

_No pain could___

_Be deeper___

_No life could be cheaper___

_No hope left within me___

__

__

The End


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